


everybody's gay, john!!!!

by greyjoying



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-05 14:48:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6709264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greyjoying/pseuds/greyjoying
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John accidentally introduces the concept of homosexuality to Jade via Karkat. It goes exactly as the title implies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] 

CG: JADE. I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE ON THE GAME'S PROGRESS.  
CG: SO, GET READY TO PARK YOUR SPINAL CREVICE DOWN IN SOME SORT OF SITTING POSITION, UNPLUG YOUR HEAR DUCTS, AND GET READY FOR THIS RAW UNFILTERED INFORMATION TO SOAK DIRECTLY INTO YOUR THOUGHT PORES.  
GG: jeeze! you bothering me again?  
CG: I AM NOT BOTHERING YOU I AM DEPOSITING VITAL INFORMATION ON YOUR SESSION INTO YOUR WAX LUGS.  
GG: sounds to me like bothering!  
GG: can’t you talk to john or someone :/  
CG: YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL I AM EVEN TAKING THE TIME TO UPDATE YOU AT ALL!  
CG: AND BESIDES, I CAN’T TALK TO JOHN.  
GG: why not?  
CG: UGH. I DON’T EVEN WANT TO GO THERE. I DON’T EVEN WANT TO GO TO THE NEXT TOWN OVER FROM THE PLACE KNOWN AS ‘THERE.’  
GG: lolll karkat just tell me what happened!  
CG: NO, I WON’T.  
GG: ok i dont care!  
GG: what was the game info  
CG: ITS JUST THAT  
GG: ughhhhh   
GG: how long is this going to take?  
CG: FOR THE LAST TIME HARLEY, ZIP YOUR WORD ENCASER.   
CG: IT ALL STARTED A FEW HOURS AGO, BEFORE WE EVEN SPOKE WHEN  
GG: karkat cmon! :/ im on a clock here  
GG: speed it up!  
CG: FINE, FINE! IF YOU WANT TO MISS THE GRAND NARRATION I WAS GOING TO DO, THAT’S YOUR CHOICE!  
CG: ANYWAY, LONG STORY HEAVILY REDACTED FOR HARLEY’S SAKE  
CG: I MAY HAVE POSSIBLY….MADE A MOVE…...THAT COULD HAVE BEEN CONSTRUED AS….FLIRTATIOUS.  
CG: IT WAS OF COURSE A COMPLETE FLIGHT OF FANCY ASS NONSENSE ON MY PART, AND I ASSURE YOU I WILL NEVER THINK OR TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN.  
CG: BUT AFTER THAT IT MADE THINGS AWKWARD. SO I HAD TO TALK TO JOHN BACKWARDS TO AVOID INCITING ANYMORE COMPLETE FUMBLINGS OF ROMANTIC DRAMA.  
CG: ANYWAY IT WAS AROUND HERE IN THE TIMELINE SO. I CAN’T REALLY GIVE HIM THIS INFO.  
CG: THAT’S WHY I HAVE TO LABORIOUSLY DUMP IT ON YOU.  
CG: ANYWAY STORY TIME IS OVER NOW! TIME TO GO BACK TO NEVER VISITING THIS SITUATION AGAIN.  
GG: wait!  
GG: you hit on john?  
CG: FOR FUCKS SAKE HARLEY, WHAT DID I JUST SAY?  
GG: hahahahah thats so funny!  
CG: YES, I’M SO GLAD ITS ‘LETS ALL LAUGH AT KARKAT TIME’  
CG: I WAS SO GRATEFUL JOHN USELESSMOUTH EGBERT COULD TURN ME DOWN BY CLAIMING HE IS ‘NOT A HOMOSEXUAL’ AND THEN ATTEMPTING TO CONSOLE ME LIKE A FUCKING WRIGGLER.  
GG: wait? whats a homosexual?  
CG: EXACTLY.  
GG: i dont know if ive heard of it before :/ growing up on an island means you miss out on a lot!  
CG: I HAVE NO FUCKING BLUES CLUES WHAT IT MEANS EITHER! I’M AN ALIEN FROM ANOTHER UNIVERSE, CARE TO RECALL???????  
CG: I ACTUALLY ASKED HIM TO EXPAND ON IT BUT THIS IS ALL HE SAID:  
"EB: uh, it’s like when a boy likes a boy, or a girl likes a girl.  
EB: normally boys just like girls, or girls like boys!  
EB: maybe normally was a bad way of putting it, i don’t know…  
CG: YOU MEAN ITS GLOWERED UPON?  
EB: well, not by me! But by some people….maybe yes?  
CG: THAT IS THE FUCKING STUPIDEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD."  
CG: HERE ENDETH THE TEXT.  
GG: oh wow  
GG: ive never really heard of this before  
GG: i didnt know it was a thing!  
CG: THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I SAID!  
CG: NOT THAT I MEAN TO IMPLY WE ARE ALIKE AT ALL.  
GG: ive never really thought about it that way…  
GG: i just like whoever  
CG: TROLLS DON’T HAVE ANY SUCH STUPID TABOOS OR ROMANTIC CONSTRUCTS. PROOF THAT THE QUADRANT SYSTEM IS THE SUPERIOR UNIVERSAL RELATIONS METHOD.  
GG: and people not liking you for it??  
GG: that is so stupid!  
GG: it makes me so mad!  
GG: almost as mad as you make me!!  
CG: LET’S NOT GET CARRIED AWAY HERE. I DON’T THINK I CAN DEAL WITH TWO TREPIDATIOUS ROMANTIC COME ONS TURNING INTO A FESTERING PILE OF SHIT BEFORE MY VERY EYES.  
CG: NOW, FINALLY. LET ME BESTOW UPON YOU THE SHITLOAD OF IMPORTANT INFORMATION I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GIVE YOU THIS WHOLE FUCKING TIME.  
GG: uh i actually have to go talk to someone else now!  
GG: sorry karkat!  
CG: OH WHAT THE FUCK.  
GG: talk to you later!

gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering carginoGeneticist [CG] 


	2. Chapter 2

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

GG: roooooooooooose!!!  
GG: i know you like being super busy with all your cool shenanigans but i really need to talk!!  
TT: I could say the same was true for you.  
GG: oh yay you’re here!  
GG: sometimes it feels like we dont get to talk as much as everyone else :(  
TT: Hmm. That may be true.  
TT: I prefer to think of it as us both being competent enough to trust each other without need for constant interference.  
TT: However, I promise after ushering this game to it’s completion I would be delighted to do none other than sit down with you and delve into another in depth discussion on Squiddles.  
GG: thats kinda what i wanna talk about actually  
TT: Oh?  
TT: Well then. Please be my guest.  
GG: i think i worked out why our fanfiction of muppetasquid and blueburry got so many downvotes on the squiddle forums!!  
TT: I had assumed it was due to the audience’s inability to grasp post modern narratives.  
GG: lol well maybe :p  
GG: but also it was because they were both girls! which ive just discovered not everybody thinks is fine :O  
GG: because being gay is a thing and some fuckhats don’t like it!  
TT: I see our mutual troll associate’s language is brushing off on you.  
TT: And yes, you are correct. They are gay.  
TT: I am also gay, as it happens.  
TT: Honestly, at risk of sounding like I am projecting my own internal traits onto others, I assumed you were too?  
GG: OH!!  
GG: honestly rose i am so sorry for not noticing :( i didnt know it was even a thing until like five minutes ago  
TT: No worries at all.  
TT: If I am being honest I have been avoiding announcing it in rejection of what could lead up to some sort of cheesy familial love-in of acceptance.  
TT: But I had hoped you and the others would have picked up on it by now.  
TT: But I can’t blame you for not knowing, and the other two are just ludicrously oblivious.  
GG: hehehehe you can say that again!  
GG: they wouldnt know obvious if it punched them in the face!!  
TT: Probably not.  
TT: However. At the risk of prying.  
TT: Should I mark you off the list of influential lesbians for the post-sburb world?  
TT: The possibility of striking you off means there would be only one name on it.  
TT: Which I don’t think could even be properly classified as a list.  
GG: uhhh  
GG: well  
GG:…….i dont really know!  
GG: i didnt know you even had to choose! i just thought you could like everyone!  
TT: You can still like everyone Jade.  
TT: Don’t worry about it.  
TT: I suppose classifications based upon sexuality may be now somewhat irrelevant considering the social structures dictating them have turned to meteor dust along with our former home planet.  
TT: However, I can assure you many people also didn’t limit themselves to a single gender preference, and so it’s completely normal.  
GG: hmmm well that makes sense  
GG: thanks for talking me through this!!  
GG: but i dont know, i’ll still have to think about it  
GG: maybe ill talk to dave….?  
TT: I predict he will be less than helpful.  
GG: we’ll see :p  
GG: goodbye rose!  
GG: and i’m still holding you to that squiddles promise!  
TT: By the time you are back I may even have crafted another chapter in the love lives of our two brave squiddle heroines.  
GG: yaaaaaaaaaaaay  


gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]


	3. Chapter 3

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

GG: dave!  
TG: oh sup human homie  
GG: ahahah you been getting a lot of trolls lately :p ?  
TG: yup they been lining up here like the banks gone bust and they all wanna do a bank run and take the money out  
TG: we talking financial CRASH like those meteors that just crashed into earth or whatever  
TG: anyway i own the bank but i pull up with mrs dave strider and theyre all yelling and demanding their boondollars and clutching their crying babies which i think are bugs and sending me weird but really funny art of people drawn as me and im like damn mrs strider guess well have to give the honeymoon money to all these trolls  
GG: dave :/  
TG: by money i mean time because i am giving my time to listen to these trolls weird shenanigans and like half talk in caps and they all wanna rap with me  
GG: DAVE!  
TG: sorry   
TG: what were we talking about again  
TG: before i ‘its a wonderful life without trolls’d us  
GG: i kinda wanted to talk to you about something!  
GG: unless you dont have anymore time money for the bank   
TG: now hold on a second  
TG: i always have time money for my best customer  
TG: lay out your thoughts for me  
TG: in rap  
GG: in rap??  
TG: you gotta rap those thoughts jade  
TG: rap em on the table  
TG: rap em like a christmas gift  
GG: i dont know, sounds kind of silly :/  
TG: nah cmon  
GG: i guess i can try!  
GG: uh a hippity hop! Ive been having a thought!  
GG: about something i was never taught  
GG: guess i oughta know, but i didnt so!  
GG: about homosexualism (???) as a way to go  
TG: uh listen jade not that that flow isnt the slickest thing since spilled oil but  
TG: i kinda have no idea what you are rapping about  
GG: yeah i think i got too caught up in the rhyming part :/  
TG: thats ok a lot of young rappers do its only your debut rap im sure you got a bright career in front of you i bet youll even get a random feature in a pop song theyll be like JADEY TAKE IT TO THE CHORUS and youll come in all raps a blazing  
TG: anyway yeah what was this about again sorry  
GG: well i was talking to karkat about stuff  
TG: caps mcshouty?  
TG: always a bad idea  
GG: lol i know :p  
GG: he was being nice for once though!  
GG: anyway he started talking about ‘HOMOSEXUALITY’  
GG: aaaaaaand  
GG: turns out i have no idea what that is :/  
TG: dont worry i got this let me explain using some hella diagrams   
GG: no i mean i know what it is now!  
GG: i just…..didnt know it was a thing  
TG: oh  
TG: so like  
TG: uh  
GG: i just thought you could like anyone!  
TG: well  
TG: i mean  
TG: i guess its ok for you to like anyone but not anyone anyone i mean you gotta have some standards just cause youre from an island doesnt mean you gotta like anyone you can just like someone  
GG: dave i have no idea what you are trying to say! :/  
TG: yeah  
TG: me neither  
TG: i guess what im trying to say is like  
TG: thats cool  
TG: do you uh  
TG: like anyone  
GG: well thats not the point!  
GG: i am just saying if i liked anybody it wouldnt matter if they were a guy or a girl!  
GG: but apparently its a whole thing now!  
TG: i guess it is kinda a thing yeah  
TG: but jade i think you are pretty cool so you can do whatever  
TG: take it from me im a cool guy  
TG: how did karkat even know about this  
GG: john told him!  
TG: w  
TG: why would john  
TG: oh omg hahahahaha bingo  
TG: called it  
TG: he totally hit on john didnt he  
GG: i am not going to divulge karkats secrets dave!!   
TG: that means yes  
TG: ahahahahah  
TG: told you that dude had some gay issues  
GG: dave!  
TG: i mean  
TG: thats totally fine  
TG: he can work through his issues just preferably by not talking about my lips every second of the day  
GG: i think they are like me actually they dont really care about that stuff  
TG: oh  
TG: well thats also totally fine  
TG: when you assumed we were all like that did you also think i was uh  
TG: also into dudes  
TG: like looking at their lips and stuff  
GG: i mean how do you know you arent? :p lol  
TG: oh NO do not go all lalonde on me here  
GG: oh i almost forgot!!  
GG: i think she wanted me to tell you….rose is gay!  
GG: she just likes girls!  
TG: what  
TG: no way  
GG: yes way!  
TG: id have known  
GG: fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine  
GG: ask her yourself!  
TG: fine but theres no way miss macking for me day one would  
GG: dave??  
GG: dave!!  
TG: ok  
TG: so it seems like somebody and im not naming names here  
TG: might be in running for biggest idiot of the year award  
TG: youre gay roses gay  
TG: any other gays i should know about???  
GG: welll……  
GG: i was being serious earlier when i asked about you!  
TG: oh jade cmon  
GG: have you ever thought about it?  
TG: whats there to think about  
GG: well….have you ever had a crush on a girl?  
TG: uh  
TG: maybe  
TG: yeah  
GG: but not on a boy or anyone else?  
TG: hell no  
GG: whats the difference though……?  
TG: the difference is girls are like soft and you save them from trees and stuff   
TG: cant have another dude all up in my grill trying to flip his burgers or whatever theres only one kiss the cook apron and i got it  
GG: so you want him to kiss you?  
TG: dammit jade  
TG: no  
GG: i am just saying imagine you met a reaaaaaalllly cool guy  
GG: almost as cool as……...yourself!! :O  
TG: thatd have to be pretty damn cool  
GG: well he is!  
TG: is his name cooly mccoolson  
GG: no! its buster tristanson!!  
TG: what kind of name is  
TG: ok go on  
TG: im closing my eyes  
TG: not really tho cause i gotta type  
TG: whats buster tristanson like  
GG: hes got nice hair!  
TG: like light brown that shines in the sun and has a really cool flick  
GG: thats very specific :/ but ok  
GG: and he wears super cool clothes!  
TG: like a t shirt and then a shirt over it with the sleeves rolled up  
GG: hows that cool?  
TG: its in cool colors obvs jade  
GG: ok! And hes tall?  
TG: medium  
GG: medium  
GG: and hes into…  
TG: skateboarding. DEF skateboarding and cool as hell music and sports i guess maybe i dont know a lot about that  
TG: maybe he likes the one with the hoops  
GG: and you get really close….  
TG: obviously we are two cool guys cool guys are drawn together like magnets thats basic science 101 jade  
GG: and one day he tells you he likes you!  
TG: cool  
GG: no…..he like likes you!!!  
TG: gasp  
GG: and he gives you…..a rose?  
TG: a mixtape of obscure indie songs i pretend not to know but secretly like and he knows i like them  
GG: that!!   
GG: and then…..he kisses you!  
TG: gasp  
TG: oh buster tristanson   
TG: im swooning  
GG: so youd kiss him? :)  
TG: what  
TG: no  
GG: you were just swooning over him!   
TG: source?  
GG: you literally typed ‘im swooning’!!!  
TG: ok but like i cant kiss sweet buster  
GG: why not? :/  
TG: cause idk  
TG: people wouldnt think thats cool theyd think its weird or not manly or something  
TG: wed be violating cool guy code  
GG: so youd just not do it because peope would judge you?  
TG: obvs jade i have a rep here  
GG: but...youd do it if no one else was there?  
TG: yeah  
TG: i mean  
TG: uh  
GG: but now the earth is gone and all those people who’d judge you are daoots  
TG: wait  
GG: sooooo…….now youd kiss buster???  
TG: i umm  
TG: shit  
TG: look at the time and by look at i mean literally always be constantly aware of it cause of fucked up game powers  
TG: gotta run which means i cant message total disaster   
GG: dave????

gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]


End file.
